Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
do horses think humans are hats
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp