She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
She: I like Cats
He:
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.