Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
can you read it!!??
maan!
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
DOOO EEEET
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?