My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You Might Also Like
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Admin smashed it 😂
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
HELP 😭
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
work smarter, not harder
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost