(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Software Development ⛵️
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Seems kinda suspicious
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*