i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.