When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
#damn
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.