If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I am a gravy boat captain
#milo
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras