I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!