A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
🤣🤣🤣
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”