If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Seems a bit forward
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My teenage children choosing violence
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming