If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.