“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
When I laugh on my period
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.