Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.