HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
black phone good
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.