Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
You Might Also Like
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!