[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Banking tips
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.