Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time