Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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some cats are just doing for fun!
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.