To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Go hard or stay average
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
oppen heimer style lol
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over