So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.