Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
It鈥檚 not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn鈥檛 a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i鈥檒l treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can鈥檛 text me if she needs anything.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I鈥檓 going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don鈥檛 worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that鈥檒l follow you to the grave.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Saw Les Mis茅rables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn鈥檛 know his state capitals.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
*meets someone from France*
I鈥檓 a big fan of your toast!
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
7yo: Who鈥檚 older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa鈥檚 not real.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it鈥檚 full of rice so i can dry off*