I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
What the hell happened in there??
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.