I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.