I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
You Might Also Like
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
the #horror is real!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh