God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response