I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Still a very good boi….
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it