what is cheese if not milk persevering
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
reviewed some movies recently
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.