I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.