google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
You Might Also Like
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Happy Star Wars day!
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.