Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
constantly working on myself.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
road rage
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.