Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.