State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please