him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.