My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
You Might Also Like
any last words?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??