No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know