*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?