I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks