What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
#SCOTUS one-star review
The honesty is refreshing
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh