“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.