Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Just had my nails done!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons