me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.