The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Best spot.. 😅
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
There is no “we” in pizza
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
oh u like history? name everything that happened