“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.