who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
You Might Also Like
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me in tagged photos
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Perfect.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories