They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good