A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
doing some research
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe