We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Guys, I found it.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.