Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I can’t stop watching this.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.