My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
White parent Vs Arab parents
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂